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venison by evening

four hundred school-boys and a lawyer at my side

livia is the villain of the novel
18 March 1981
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'when speaking,
i am a diminished child.'

- nabokov

in that familiar last life i was a deer -
and am therefore not quite through with the frolicking...

deer you see, have eyes on the sides of their heads, better to see predators or gods of wine...

and deer have not the luxury of speech -
they speak with nudges and long searching glances... so you must keep this in mind if i glance your way searchingly... for i must always keep alert in the woods by morning -

lest i become venison by evening.

"Man seeks to escape himself himself in myth, and does so by any means at his disposal. Drugs, alcohol, or lies. Unable to withdraw within himself, he disguises himself. Lies and inaccuracy give him a few moments of comfort, the trifling feeling of escape experienced at a masked ball. He distances himself from that which he feels and sees. He invents. He transfigures. He mythifies. He creates. He fancies himself an artist."

~ Jean Cocteau, 1889 - 1963, from the Canadian periodical The Walrus

"Tears are easier to put up with than joy. Joy is destructive: it makes others uncomfortable. 'Weep and you weep alone' - what a lie that is! Weep and you will find a million crocodiles to weep with you. The world is forever weeping. The world is drenched in tears. Laughter, that's another thing. Laughter is momentary - it passes. Buy joy, joy is a kind of ecstatic bleeding, a disgraceful sort of supercontentment which overflows from every pore of your being. You can't make people joyous by being joyous yourself. Joy has to be generated by oneself: it is or it isn't. Joy is founded on something too profound to be understood and communicated. To be joyous is to be a madman in a world of sad ghosts."

--Henry Miller

No mockery in this world ever sounds to me so hollow as that of being told to cultivate happiness. What does such advice mean? Happiness is not a potato.

Peril, loneliness, an uncertain future, are not oppressive evils, so long as the frame is healthy and the faculties are employed; so long, especially, as Liberty lends us her wings, and Hope guides us by her star.

--Charlotte Bronte

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